The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant -- but succinct -- wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week's great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
"God, grant me the serenity to clap on the 2 and 4, the courage to refrain from clapping on the 1 and 3, and wisdom to know the difference."
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) January 31, 2016
Goal for life is to convince someone that I am "poised" or "mature" or "normal" or "not walking around with a coat pocket of goldfish"
— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) February 2, 2016
Meeting new people sucks because you haven't told them what's wrong with you yet.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) February 4, 2016
Where's the section to claim your phone as a dependent on your taxes?
— M (@Love_bug1016) February 4, 2016
All I wanna do is chill with unlikeable female protagonists
— Jessie Kahnweiler (@jesskahnweiler) January 30, 2016
The best gift you can give on Valentine's is to dress up like your partner's parents and apologize
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 2, 2016
Looking for a guy who loves long walks on the beach. Like, he just goes for really long walks and I can stay here in peace.
— Ali V. (@alivingiano) February 1, 2016
"Just thinking out loud here"--literally everyone on Twitter
— MeredithB-S (@MBennettSmith) February 3, 2016
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I'm part of their web of lies now too.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 30, 2016
I want a tshirt that says "I'd rather be looking through a slideshow of hearty & healthy winter soup recipes"
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) February 4, 2016
"everyone please go around and tell me your vice"
"drinking"
"gambling"
me: "buying a new fleece blanket every single time I go to IKEA"
— olga⚡️lexell (@runolgarun) February 3, 2016
One of the biggest ongoing stresses in my life is watching other people fall asleep on the subway. NO NO NO WAKE UP YOUR STOP COULD BE SOON!
— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) February 3, 2016
A dude so hot you call him Uncle Jesse in bed.
— Miss Oppo Taco (@LMLMadness) February 5, 2016
I am SUCH a Carrie! I love New York, brand name shoes and I burned down my high school on prom night
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) February 2, 2016
James Franco seems like someone who should've started a religion by now.
— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) February 1, 2016
Super rich white guy. Very tough on crime. Sometimes I get sad thinking about how Batman is probably a republican.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 5, 2016
Pizza in the morning pizza in the evening pizza at suppertime / You've got undiagnosed seasonal depression and it's time to tell a friend
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) February 1, 2016
u know it's the heart of winter when u shave just the specific part of ur ankle where ur boots end and your jeans begin
— Julia Bush (@jabush) February 4, 2016
Jeb looks like a substitute teacher who is too weary to actually discipline anyone and just keeps saying "guys," a bunch.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 4, 2016
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